By Robert J. Galbraith April 23, 2014
Rumors are swirling amongst world environmental organizations that Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper has recently spoken with Japanese whale industry representatives about the possibility of them conducting a research program in British Columbia’s waters to study humpback whale numbers. This after the Harper government recently downgraded the status of these gentle giants from Threatened to Species of Special Concern, thanks to the suggestions of their hand-picked scientists, who were sequestered in a very dark room without oxygen.
“We need the oil from the whales, the Oil Sands and the Northern Gateway oil pipeline to strengthen the Canadian economy,” a government representative was overheard stating. “The meat from these ugly, disgusting, ship-impeding blowhards will also be offered free to any Canadian in need of protein sustenance. All they have to do is purchase a Conservative Party membership and they are in,” insisted the representative, whose party is at war with the environment and anything green – except for oil greenbacks.
The Conservatives will allow the Japanese to shish kebab an annual total of 250 humpbacks and their calves in Canadian waters, in the name of the advancement of science. Japanese scientists, who will conduct the 10-year study (or as long as it takes to exterminate the humpers), are confident that they will be able to finally get to the bottom of the chase to figure out which is the front end, and which is the rear end of this mysterious, baby-devouring beast. “This has baffled us Conservatives for decades, but the end is near – or is it the head that is near?”
The kerfuffle has raised eyebrows and profits for the international oil giants who explained that it’s about time these lovable misfits were finally wiped-out as they pose a huge threat to oil shipping traffic, especially that oil destined for the Big Red Giant – China.
“Thank God the Japanese are saving our asses!” explained one official who wished to remain anonymous. “It was all part of the Conservative platform from the get-go, to cut funding for all whale and sea mammal research in Canada. You see, if these whales started dying-off from man-made causes, such as toxic pollution contamination, we might look bad. This research will save tax payers millions of dollars a year. To hell with the slimy bastards; who needs whales anyway? They always pee in the pool and this is why we cut all funding for environmental issues in Canada. Doesn’t industrial pollution just Rock and Roll! Geez, I can feel my finger tips tingling just knowing that this is only the start of our annihilating of a species of animal, just as it’s getting back on its feet after decades of commercial whaling. But who really cares? Canadians are stupid! One animal at a time!” concluded the bad-gas-passing politician.
The Con-servative Party refused to officially comment until Mr. Big gives the GREEN light to do so, saying that those responsible for initiating the program were out of town on a Bald Eagle hunt.
****Sales of humpback whale meat will be available come whale calving season in early May. For more recipes for preparing whale filet mignon, please refer to the best-selling Conservative cook book – Kill Em All!!! Coming to a bookstore near you; until all books are banned that is. ‘Nothing worse than a smart Canadian – we don’t want your input on this or you’ll end up like the humpbacks’ is our motto.